killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
"In a recent poll it shows that women cause 55% of al minor wrecks,
while men cause 73% of all fatal collisions. A side note on this the
numbers in these pie charts do not add up to a hundred percent because
the math was done by a woman. To all of you offended by that joke I'd
like to point out that joke was written by a woman. Yeah now you don't
know what the hell to think. I'm just kidding we don't hire women."
"My dad, when I was a boy, told me that life would not always
be easy. But no matter how troubling times get, you can always drink
"A French man who calls himself 'the Snake Man' was arrested
this week after climbing the side of a Manhatten high rise. Yep, he
climbed up the side of a high rise. Just like a snake."
"A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some people go
"Woo, woo!"] Ya. The ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is
so pure, it's virtually headache- free. But before you run out and
buy it, remember: it causes massive anal bleeding."
"The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is warning
the people not to overeat on Thanksgiving because it can make you
drowsy behind the wheel. Well that's bad news for me, you know, since
after Thanksgiving dinner I usally like to drive around a while, untill
I sober up."
"In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escaped death when
a pocketknife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet shot by another
hunter. Man, you know we have too many weapons in this country when
people are getting shot in the knife."
"On the seventh season of MTV's The Real World, the young people
will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions, and sexual
orientations. They will, however, share one trait in common: I will
"This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated
as 20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched
a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation,
the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon -- the tiny clump of
"Last week in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel
barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles.
It's all part of a plan to make illegal aliens walk an extra two and
a half miles."
"Twentieth Century Fox has announced that Macaulay Culkin will
not be hired to star in 'Home Alone 3.' Studio spokesmen said, 'It's
nothing personal, but with Culkin now 16 years of age the only way
to keep him in the film would be to make the character retarded.'
"The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list
of 30 changes to make air travel safer. No. 1 on the list: no more
"According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million
to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air
Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste, you guessed
it -- Frank Stallone."
"Last week in Calcutta, India, Mother Theresa suffered a slight
concussion when she slipped and bumped her head. Doctors say the eighty-six-year-old
nun is completely back to normal except for one interesting difference
... she now hates poor people."
"The October issue of Penthouse, now on newstands, contains a
picture billed as 'The Alien: the World's First Authentic Photograph.'
A survey of Penthouse readers finds that 60 percent think the photo
is a fake while only 40 percent think it's real. All 100 percent however
found it 'Surprisingly easy to masturbate to.' "
"According to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, 72 percent of
their readers would not be offended if a TV show's lead character
were gay. Though that figure sinks to 1 percent when these readers
are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex."
"Last week, a buyer in Oman payed $390,000 for a camel, the highest
price ever payed for a camel. Even in the middle east, many are wondering
why anyone would pay that much ... (looking at picture) Good god,
that's a sexy camel."
"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a
man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the
woman is armed and extremely fat."
"In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess
Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out
to be a fake. On the bright side, it's still a video of two naked
people having sex."
"And finally, 'Weekend Update' would like to congratulate Madonna,
who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed
in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object
ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal. Congratulations Madonna."
"Earlier tonight, the New York Yankees defeated the Atlanta Braves
3-2 to win the 1996 World Series. As a result, Atlanta Mayor Bill
Campbell will send a bushel of delicious Georgia peaches to New York
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Had the Braves won, Mayor Giuliani would have
sent Mayor Campbell a bushel of delicious New York crack."
(Norm turns to the audience) "Have you tried the NY crack? It's
"In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered
what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county
fish farm. The culprit, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."
"In Topeka, Kansas, the fire department is now using a new weapon
to fight arson, a black Labrador trained to sniff out chemicals used
in setting fires. Though it should be noted, if the dog is correct,
the culprit in every arson fire this month, is some other dog's ass."
"Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series champions.
And, this week, 3 million Yankees fans gathered on the streets of
New York to honor their heroes. While the fans were of different ages,
races, and religions, they shared one thing in common -- they were
all standing in urine."
"The giant ticker-tape parade for the Yankees left nearly four
tons of confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks. But New York
officials do have a plan for dealing with the confetti -- leaving
it there to soak up all that urine."
"In the December issue of Playboy, '60 Minutes' reporter Mike
Wallace reaveled that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it
made him sexually arroused. According to Wallace he made these comments
in an effort to frighten young people off sex and drugs forever."
"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called
Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict.
Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed."
"In economic news ... unemployment figures rose slightly for
the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAC. The
reason for the sudden downturn, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."
"The New York city transit authority plans to put up signs in
subway stations asking city residents to be more polite when getting
on and off the subway. Most New Yorkers say the idea sounds great
and that the new signs will make excellent urinals!"
"Our top story tonight, this week in Los Angeles civil court,
an FBI expert testified that shoe prints left by the killer exactly
match shoes belonging to O.J. Simpson. In response, O.J. stood up
and exclaimed, 'Wait a minute. Wait a doggone minute. I just figured
it out. The real killer is me!"
"Baywatch star Pamela Anderson filed for divorce this week from
Tommy Lee. Telling friends, that even though they had sex almost constantly,
it wasn't enough to keep Tommy Lee from having sex with other women.
You can read all about Tommy Lee's exploits in my new book: 'Tommy
Lee, The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived!' "
"Entertainment Weekly's list of the '101 World's Most Powerful
People in Show Business' is out. At number one, Fox CEO Robert Murdoch,
at second place? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."